*holds bridge of nose*
Okay, so... let's see if I can go about this in the more... mature way of thinking and talking before I completely lose my temper and possibly de-organ an innocent bystander. Maybe ranting to here will make me feel... just a bit better.
So... let me start by repeating; I don't like drunks, and I mean drunks like... people who drink, get drunk all the time, and act mean, irritable, etc. etc. Any... bad emotion. Fun drunks, sweet drunks, happy drunks, stupid drunks (to an extent), even touchy drunks are hella better than fucked up irritable drunks who are easy to piss off at the drop of a hat. Those kind of drunks piss me off beyond the point of absolute hate- because if I'm going to have to walk around eggshells to have a good time with you, I don't want to be around you.
Period. Maybe even sober depending on how much you drink.
That being said... somehow I managed to hook me a gig- as a DJ- for a party down here in the South. "Big Time At Bad Bob's" AKA: Bad Bob's. Now... along with a small distaste for a lot of country music (which obviously I will have to play), is this dislike of idiot drunks which I will be surrounded by.
However, if it gets big enough, I WILL have a tip jar, which means I will make some BIG cash the bigger it is, and even if I'm hating it- it could always be the start off of something bigger. Start off small as a freelance DJ and get even bigger and bigger, you won't believe how much DJ's make down here- at least until I figure out what the fuck I want to do with my life.
Because being a server and making only two dollars an hour and living off tips, just is not going to cut it. I needed a side job, and I needed one fast and unfortunately, this opportunity came up and.... well, naturally, I snatched it up because... well, I do enjoy Djing period (and this will be my first and last time admitting this, so... hold it close to ya), music, and a good time- so... maybe if I ignore they are drunk it will be more tolerable, or do you just think it's a wasted effort and I should call quits before I even begin?
I don't know. This Night Surgeon has been a loner for quite sometime for a reason, people... don't usually get along with me, err... maybe it's that they don't... understand the way I see things sometimes, yanno- most people are sane compared to me. *smirk* But, the point is, I have been, and thought- I'd always be a loner with a 'few' close friends I could trust. A handful, because otherwise having too many people to trust just... is too much. Too much promise for pain and... unneeded pain.
But- honestly, that isn't the biggest thing that's getting me. It's... well... this.. will honestly sound a bit sad and pathetic but... it's the fact that my mother will be apart of this and she is one of THOSE drunks that I hate... and... because she's my mom and means more to me than anyone else (leave me alone, she has been the only person I can trust in this whole entire world, can you blame me?), it is easy for her to run my mood the moment she starts that crap and get's drunk. And- she can't control herself around booze. *wrinkles nose* She get's fucked up, well... not 'fucked up' per-say but... drunk enough to become a major bitch and jackass to me. Treat me worse than the dirt beneath her feet, when I do accidentally tick her easy-to-piss-drunk-sell-off.
So... I can honestly admit I'm pretty fucking livid about this, especially when I try to hide that I'm upset-- and she continues to question me, and when I explain that it's a catch twenty-two because when I tell her I'm going to get yelled at and treated like shit anyway, she gets pissed.
It really is a huge catch twenty-two between us when she gets this way. She gets so fucking... *snorts* ... just... unbearable and ruins my night. Now, I've done my best to ignore her but when your surrounded by strangers and wanting to hiss and play keep-way while being somewhat social, you want to be around someone you know...
Yeah, it fucking sucks.
Anyway, so now every night she's going to get fucked up, and every night I'm going to have to be around her and tolerate it. Every night she is going to run to this house I'm at now (her... new boyfriend's house) and stay, instead of taking care of the house her friend is so kindly letting us stay at that is a shit ton better, with a pool, a fenced in back yard for the dogs to run, fenced in front yard, and two stories. Mother's payment to said friend to keep us there was clean the house, and she's got a dog there to take care of.
So do you know what she is going to do? Use these parties as an excuse to run and play, escaping responsibilities and once again living her younger child, in charge and the responsible one, like she has always done for the past... well, heh, nineteen almost twenty years? *low snarl*
Leaving ME to take care of her dog, and my friend who is living with us in charge of cleaning the entire two story house by herself because I'm working more than her, come home exhausted, and just can't do it.
On top of all this, my mother has become a habitual liar, something else I've grown to hate with a fiery passion. Nothing pisses me off more than someone who is drunk and irritable, and someone who has a nasty habit of lying to me in my face and expecting me to be okay with it because 'things come up' or get's pissed off and threatens not to tell me shit anymore and leave me guessing. Then again, what's terrible is that I know this has something to do with the whole drinking thing completely.
So- I guess what I'm getting at is; I guess I've officially grown to hate the only person in my life that used to give a shit about me and care. Wow. That... actually hurts pretty bad to admit, but shockingly enough when I read it I truly begin to realize how true those words are.
And... I think that hurts worse- I almost want to cry.
Fuck.
I haven't cried in years...
Fuck, man....
For the first time in my life---
I truly am alone....
Subject: How Do I Keep Getting Myself Into These Messes? 
Wed Jun 25, 2014 12:41 am
