Alright so. I'm a little complicated.
Little background: My father died when I was 13. He wasn't too great, a druggie and ditched me when I was 8. He had good intentions but just overall sucked at life and was cocaine's bitch. I was taken away from my mom at age 15 because she was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. She's a diagnosed sociopath with BPD (borderline personality disorder) and a huge alcoholic on top of it. When I was in sixth grade I was sexually abused for the first time by an eighth grader and I've had two more encounters following that by a girl I thought was my best friend and another boy. Following the sixth grade encounter I started to self harm and it continued for two years, until I decided to stop. I struggle with this addiction every day, and I can say I haven't self harmed in over two years.
So, needless to say, I'm a bit fucked up. I have PTSD and have constant flashbacks regarding my mom and the sexual encounters, I have destymia (a type of depression that isn't as severe as chronic depression, but it's a step lower), an anxiety disorder, PMDD, Seasonal Depression [it happens in the Spring], and it's suspected by my therapist and doctors that I have suppressed memories.
Given all of the above, it's only a little bit natural I'm a little wonky. I'm weird to begin with, and I always have been. I've always sort of avoided people or become extremely frightened of others [males especially from a young age] and when I was younger I was extremely mean if any other children attempted to come up to me. I never actually had 'friends' until I was in grade 9.
Despite all of this, I'm trying to put myself on the right track. I've been working with my therapist and doctors and taking all my needed medications, as well as trying to utilize healthy behaviors. I've managed to maintain a romantic relationship for almost two years now, and I can proudly say that I have been able to have some friendships for over a year. I'm passing school and I've been able to care for my two parakeets. Hell, I've even managed to get my name thrown out there by entering my artwork in contests and winning numerous. Not to brag, but one piece was in the Congressional Art Show and almost won. Meaning, it would have been hung up in Congress in DC.
But sometimes, it's just not enough for some people.
A lot of people see I have a lot of potential, and they get angry at me when I don't utilize it. Like my teachers, or my friends, or some of my Aunt's [she is my main caregiver] friends. They, especially my Aunt's friends, get angry when I still exhibit toxic behaviors or patterns. My teachers are annoyed that I slack off and don't do as much as I should, or I simply [and literally] run away from class. I've been in trouble multiple times for skipping, and upon being inquired as to WHY I skipped, I can never answer.
Sometimes, I really hate the way that I am. I see that I become toxic, but I just can't STOP it. It's like I'm standing five feet outside of my body and I watch myself fuck everything up. I understand what I do and why it's bad, but despite this, I can't force myself to change. And if I do, I get such bad anxiety that I end up spiraling into some sort of weird pit of depression that takes me literal DAYS to crawl out of. And thanks to my PMDD, during specific times of the month, all of this is even WORSE than it is originally.
For reference, I want you all to imagine yourselves sitting alone in a bog. This bog is hazy and hard to see through, and no matter how much you try to move you are stuck. You feel bugs crawling all over you and you feel grossed out and sick to your stomach, and you just want to LEAVE, but you can't. This is what it feels like during a depression fit for me.
Now, imagine a 1 ton weight strapped onto your back also. Imagine yourself in complete and utter pain, and you want to just cry for absolutely no reason at all. Maybe you feel suicidal to top it off, because dying would be so much better than dealing with this situation. This is what it feels like when my PMDD kicks in.
And to top it all off, imagine someone, standing right on the edge of the bog, someone you love and care about, telling you: "Just climb out! You can do it!"
That's what it's like.
So you can only imagine my anger, upset feelings, irritation, and frustration when I hear people tell me that I can just shake all of this off, or that I have so much potential and they don't understand what's stopping me from utilizing it.
I don't know. I'm just frustrated at the moment. Especially at myself.
If you read all of this, thank you. You're an A+ human being and deserve a cookie. Go treat yourself to a cookie for me.
I thought maybe writing it out might help me a little bit. ;v;
Subject: Huzzah Syndikitt's Life Problems 
Sat Jul 05, 2014 7:24 pm
